Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
