so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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