drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
