Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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