you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
