She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
