It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize