he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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