it's too hot outside to masturbate.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
