you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
