Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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