i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
