He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize