I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
