i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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