just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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