You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
