Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
