I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
