you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
