I smell stomach acid.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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