I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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