Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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