Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
