Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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