She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
