Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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