I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
