He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
