We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
