If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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