my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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