I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize