She went from zero to smokin in five shots
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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