I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
