Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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