i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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