Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
