oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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