if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
