in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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