Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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