the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
