the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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