the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
