Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
