you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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