i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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