yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
