I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I can't turn off my feet"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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