The maid of honor just puked.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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