before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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