i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
