I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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