What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
