I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
