No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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