Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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