sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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