Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
