My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
