also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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