I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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