I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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